


Oh The Anxiety.

by Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Reader is a bad ass, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:47:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7317664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter/pseuds/Small_Town_Wayward_Daughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TRIGGER: TALK OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. READ WITH CAUTION. Chibs has Juice committed to a mental health facility where Juice meets reader who is there for severe anxiety and depression. Talk of attempted suicide and extremely dark feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is personal for me, I suffer from severe social anxiety and depression. If you are reading this and also are a fellow sufferer (Or are just reading this), You are doing a great job! Keep fighting and Never give up. I love you and you are amazing! Thank you for reading <3

I've been staying at the facility for about six months now and I hadn't left my room yet. My doctor was losing patience with me and I didn't blame her, I was a lost fucking cause. I was as worthless as everyone thought and I was ready to give up, they knew that though and wouldn't even think of having anything close to sharp near me. They learned the first day I was here, and then two months after that, and then again just last week. I rubbed at the bandage still on my wrist. I was sitting against the wall in my room when I heard yelling and my door banged open. I curled in on myself as I saw two men enter the room I felt myself starting to panic and tried to take deep breaths.  
"I don't need this place Chibs, take me home brother. I know that what I did was a mistake." The shorter younger man said   
"Tell that to the fuckin' bruises on your neck and to the ten pills you swallowed, you need help kid and I'm makin' sure you get it." said the other man with a Scottish accent. _They needed to leave! They weren't supposed to be in here!_ I heard a small noise and when they both looked at me I realized that I had made it. I started breathing harder and I was shaking uncontrollably. "Oh christ! I didn't see you there, I'm sorry sweetheart." The Scottish man said and took a step closer to me. I flinched and skidded to the other side of the wall behind the bed. "It's alright I won't hurt you." He held up his hands and walked closer and I screamed. The younger man jumped and pulled the other man away as the orderly _Ronny_ came running in. I fucking hated Ronny.  
"Hey! you guys can't be in here with her, she's not safe." Ronny said and glared at me. He got in trouble when I took the knife from his lunch tray on my first day and had despised me since then. I ducked my head and tried to slide into the wall. He stepped closer to me. "Do I need to sedate you again F/N?" He asked in a sickly sweet voice. I shook my head and started to shake harder I was going to black out if they didn't leave soon I couldn't catch my breath and it just wouldn't _stop_.   
"Jesus leave her alone, she's terrified for sucks sake." the younger guy said and Ronny gave him a look. He waved his arms and ushered them out of my room.   
"I'll see you later F/N" he said in a sing song voice and closed and locked my door from the outside. I leaned on my side on the cold floor and tried to think how long it would take me to die if I finally just went catatonic, that sounded nice. No talking, no speaking, just staring off into nothing. A psychotic break would be nice compared to the hell inside my head. Ronny never came back but I knew when the morning shift change was happening because my door unlocked and Grace, the nice elderly nurse came in to check on me. She was used to me not answering and hiding by the wall so she just rambled on and looked me over. She told me that I was going to have to leave my room today as the doctor had made a note in my chart. They were locking me out of my room for 2 hours and I wished that she hadn't told me. They would have to drag me either way though so I guess that didn't matter. Sure enough an hour later a male nurse came in and asked me to kindly exit the room. I shook my head and he sighed. "Look honey it's gonna be ok, just come with me to the main room?" I slid back against the wall and he just gave me a sad look. He walked over and gripped my wrist in a firm manner and I lost it. I started to squeak and shake my head.   
"Don't take me out there please! I _can't_! Please just let me stay in here you don't understand! Let me stay in my room please! No!" I was yelling and hyperventilating and he just gave me a sad smile and dragged me over to a chair by the window.   
"It's fine, calm down no one is going to hurt you!" He tried to calm me but I kept fighting him and he nodded at the other nurse to sedate me. He didn't understand! I flailed and tried to dodge the needle but he had an iron grip. He released me and took a step back. I _felt_ them all watching me and I got up to run back to my room. The door was locked as promised so I sat with my back to it and rested my head against it. There was no one in the hallway so I felt a small bit better. Why couldn't they just leave me alone and forget about me?  
"You don't like people do you?" I jumped and banged my head against the door as I looked up at the voice. He jumped slightly and held up his hands "Shit! Sorry! Great job Juice scare the crap out of your neighbor." He mumbled the last part and I realized that he was standing at the door across the hall from mine. He sat down and faced away from me to look down the hallway. It made me feel better that he couldn't look at me so I untensed a small bit. "I'm sorry about earlier, I got our rooms mixed up when I pushed my friend into it to yell at him." I didn't say anything but he just kept rambling at me, he told me his full name 'Juan Carlos Ortiz but you can call me Juice', he told me that he felt like he was back in 'fuckin' prison', and after asking me about a dozen questions with no answers from me he just sat quietly. I got the feeling he was lonely, I also noticed that the more he rambled at me the more relaxed his posture became, I wondered if anyone ever listened to him because he acted like he was starved for the attention. I was rubbing at the bandage on my wrist when he finally looked at me. "You'll make it bleed again if you keep fucking with it." He told me and I shrugged. _Good_. The male nurse from before came down the hall and I curled in on myself.  
"F/N come back to the main room. You're not cooperating and it's going to upset your doctor. I shook my head and he sighed at me and shook his head. "They are just people, what's the worst that can happen? Since you aren't around the other's I'm making you stay out for an extra hour." I looked up and gave him a withering stare and he turned around to walk away.  
  
He didn't get it, the fear of being watched, and taunted and made to feel like you were a freak because you got uncomfortable in crowds. Having to _convince_ yourself to leave the house (Or room in my case) for hours before you make it to the end of the drive way and have to go back because it's too much. The skin crawling, face flushing, nauseous, hyperventilating feeling that you felt from the moment you left your comfort zone. The trembling panic that you hoped no one would notice, and prayed that they didn't notice you at all because fuck, you couldn't speak if you wanted to and you wanted the ground to just open up and fucking swallow you. Maybe just maybe you'd turn invisible this time or maybe you'd get hit be a car and end this agony that haunted you every second of the day. That was all if you could even make yourself leave, if not you were left sitting against your front door feeling like a failure that didn't even deserve to live. The deep hole of depression that swallowed you up and made you feel like you couldn't even get out of bed much less get up, get dressed, and go out and face that terror. No one understood why I tried to kill myself and why I wished every day that I was dead. I just wanted help and for people to stop telling me to suck it up, or walk it off. I sighed and started to run my hands through my hair, It was getting too long but I knew that I'd never get near a pair of scissors again. I looked through my hair and saw Juice watching me. I just stared at him.  
"You haven't said anything. I know you can talk because I heard you screaming at whats-his-name. Can you tell me your name?" I sighed I knew he heard Ronny and the other guy say my name, why did he need me to say it?  
"F/N." I mumbled and he smiled.   
"Nice to meet you F/N, since were gonna be practical roommates what do you say that we team up and break out of this joint?" I knew he was joking but I still went pale. He saw it too and shook his head. "I-I was just kidding, You don't have to go anywhere." I relaxed and nodded. "Did you check yourself in here?" He asked and I shook my head.   
"Sister did." I murmured and marveled at myself. I talked to someone! Twice! He nodded and Grace came down the hall way and smiled.   
"Making friends F/N?" I shrugged at her and she patted the top of my head. "I know how hard it is dear but if you don't start making progress you'll be forced back into society." I just stared at her and Juice scoffed.  
"Why would they do that?"  
"The doctor is beginning to think there is nothing actually wrong with her."  
"Why would anyone willingly stay here? She's got one of the worst cases of anxiety I've ever seen and I'm not even a fuckin' doctor and I can see it."  
"The doctor feels differently." She said stiffly and walked away. He shook his head and looked at me.   
"Has it always been this bad?" I shook my head. "Got worse as you got older?" I nodded and looked at him for a minute. He had dark circles under his brown eyes and looked like he wasn't taking care of himself at all. We sat there for the rest of the mandatory time that I had and when my door unlocked I just looked at Juice. I didn't want him to be lonely even if I was _dying_ to go back into my room. He realized what my dilemma was and shook his head.   
"Hey go back to your room, I'm fine on my own never fear. I know you want to." I stared for another minute before I held up a finger for him to wait. He gave me a confused look and I went to my bed and got my pillow and sat down in it just inside the doorway. I was comfortable with this because no one could see me except for him and that didn't bother me. We sat like that, him talking me sometimes mumbling until it was time for bed. He gave me a small smile and mouthed 'thank you' at me as his door shut.  
  
Grace had told the doctor that I had interacted with the man across the hall and the doc decided that I would be locked out of my room on an every other day basis. Juice also seemed to be locked out of his when I was and that made me feel bad even if he didn't seem to mind. I was still anxious around him but it was getting easier as the weeks went by. His Scottish friend came to visit one day while we were locked out and Juice took him to the main room so I didn't freak out. He told me all about him later that week. His name was Chibs, and he was one of Juice's best friends, they were in the same motorcycle club together and Juice was here in this place because of him. Chibs has found out that Juice tried to hang himself and then he made the mistake of not taking enough pills so Chibs said that enough was enough and sent him here to get well.   
"Why'd you try?" I mumbled and he shook his head sadly.   
"That's a long story sweetheart." I nodded and started to play with my hair.   
"Will you come with me? There wasn't anyone in the main room and I saw a deck of cards that we could play with." I just gave him a look for a few minutes he looked so hopeful and he had sat with me for a month now, maybe I could do that for him or at least try.   
"There wasn't anyone there?" He nodded and I gave a single nod. He stood up and I followed after him. He was right, there was no one there so he picked the table away from the window and sat down.   
"What do you know how to play?"   
"You pick."   
"Uh, I don't know, I never really played cards, I'm a pool guy." I nodded   
"War?" his eyes lit up.   
"That one I know." He shuffled the cards and dealt them. We played for about an hour before he won and then we heard people coming so he took my hand and ran back down the hall to our doors. I didn't notice that he was touching me until he let go. "Thanks for playing with me." He said then paused. "Yes I said that like we were five years old, Christ." I smiled at him. "I know that had to be a little stressful for you, are you ok?" I tilted my head and nodded.  
"It's easier when there aren't a lot of people around. I used to wander at night but after my second attempt they stopped letting me." He just looked at me and I realized that was the most I'd said to him in one sentence since he got here.   
"Do you try that a lot?" He asked quietly and I nodded. "Why?"  
"It's to much, It would be easier and better if I was dead. I think it would be peaceful." He just gave me a sad look.  
"It wasn't so bad today, maybe you don't need to try that again? Maybe I could help you?" I shook my head  
"It's no use. I'm a lost cause." I said sadly and I heard our doors unlock. "It's- I'm a waste of time Juice, don't get attached to me." I got up and walked into my room. I wasn't sure why but a part of me wanted to stay with him even thought I knew that it would never work. He was gonna get better and go home where he belonged and I needed to remember that.


	2. Chapter 2

I had tried to avoid Juice after the day he asked if he could help me, but it's hard when you both are locked out of your rooms at the same time multiple times a week. He was so nice and it felt nice to have a- _a friend?_ no, I didn't have friends, I was to much of a freak. He was just stuck rolling through my sad days until he could leave because Grace couldn't keep her mouth shut. I hoped that he could get out of here and back to his life soon. He is a good person, just a little lonely and feels unworthy.   
"I'm not sure that I'm gonna be ready to get out of here F/N." I looked over at him and gave him a 'why?' look. "I still feel the same way when I got here a month and a half ago. My problems won't go away when I'm out of here, they are just on a fucking pause."   
"Maybe there's a way to fix it?" I mumbled and he shook his head.   
"Like how? My club is the problem and I love it to much to ever leave it."  
"Just because you love something doesn't mean it's good for you." He turned his brown eyes to me and stared.   
"Fuckin' A that's deep." I shrugged and started to play with my hair. "Will you come with me? I just wanna walk around a little." I looked aver at him and then down the hall. "If there are people we can walk the other way I promise." I shrugged and he got up and walked over to me, he held out his hand to help me up. I took it and he surprised me by hauling me to my feet. "Jesus what are you a bird? You weigh like 3 pounds." He asked me when I crashed into him and I gave him a look and stepped away from him. That was part of my problem, I knew that I was big and people stared and judged. It was a major part of my anxiety, that fear of being humiliated, that feeling of inadequacy.   
"Why are you so nice?" He looked down at me and gave me a 'what the fuck?' look. "To me?" his eyes softened a little.  
"I- Why wouldn't I be?"  
"I'm a freak. Why would you be?"  
"No you're not, You have to convince yourself to come sit _and talk_ with me even though you're terrified of people and you still do for some reason so why wouldn't I be nice to you? You keep me stable and I thought that was a lost cause."  
"You make that sound like a major accomplishment, most people don't need recognition for that. I have no reason to be the way that I am, I just am this." I motioned to myself.  
"It is one for you F/N. Most people wouldn't try to kill themselves because a cop was threatening to out him to his club for something that he can't change, but I did because I'm to much of a coward to face the idea of them kicking me out. I'm not gonna judge you on something that is an actual illness, that effects your life on a critical level."   
"You called them your family, the way Chibs acts when he comes to see you, I don't think he'd let anything happen to you. But your fear is valid if you feel it is. Don't be so hard on yourself." I muttered and I realized that he had stepped closer to me at some point. I could reach out to touch him if I wanted to.   
"I think you'll have to come with me when I get outta here, I need you to tell me things like that when I get in my head." I looked up at him and smiled slightly.  
"I may be a fucking wreck Juice, but I can see the bright side for others." He laughed and nodded. We had started walking and there were a few people in the main room. I saw him hesitate before I did, there was only 3 people and they were busy playing cards, maybe I could make a lap around the room without them noticing. I kept walking and Juice followed I could tell he was paying close attention to me but trying not to show it and I appreciated the effort. One of the other patients made a loud noise as he won and I jumped, Juice took my hand and gave it a small squeeze.  
"Hey, it's ok, do you wanna sit and do a puzzle or some shit?" I was breathing a little faster but nodded. He pulled me to the table farthest away "Puppies, Kitties, or this little house on the prairie lookin' one?" I shrugged. "Puppies it is." He said in a cheery tone and I looked at him confused.  
"Puppies make you that happy?"   
"I'm here having down time with a hot chick, my day could be worse." I felt my face heat up and looked away from him.   
"You don't have to lie to me, I know who and what I am."   
"What are you?"  
"Nothing." I saw him look sad at that and I knew that I shouldn't have said anything. "So puppies?" He nodded.  
"Puppies, my friend Tig would shit himself if he saw this poor dog." I looked at the box and chuckled, a puppy in a basket of flowers wearing a bow tie.   
"Fuck, I think he is having a harder time then me, poor thing." Juice nodded and gave a 'for real' look. We got half way through the puzzle when there was a disturbance.  
"Alright freaks, time for bed!" Ronny came barreling into the main room, he saw me and his eyes lit up. "Ah F/N! I didn't see you in your room and thought that you'd finally succeeded, I was so _sad_. I felt Juice stiffen and tried to make myself shrink. "What you don't have anything to say? Not even a whimper?" Juice pushed back from the table and I reached over to touch his hand and shook my head. "Aw you made a new fwiend! How cute!" Ronny simpered in a babyish tone.   
"Don't you have pills to steal or something?" Juice muttered and I snickered he looked at me with a smile and motioned down the hallway to our rooms. I nodded and he kept a hold of my hand as he got up. I stood and walked past Ronny without looking at him.   
"I'll come visit you later F/N, you know that I miss you if we don't get to spend _quality_ time together." He called and Juice stopped in his tracks but I tugged on his hand.  
"Keep going Juice, c'mon."  
"What did he mean by that?" I shook my head. "No, tell me." He said as we stopped between out doorways. I went into my room and figured he would leave but he didn't, he followed me into my room and I just stared at him.   
"Nothing, He didn't mean anything by it." He gave me a look and crossed his arms. I sighed and sat on my bed. "I got him into trouble when I first got here and since then he will come in at night sometimes and chat at me." I wasn't gonna mention that he tried to sedate me and touch me once, Juice would freak out I figured so I kept that to myself.   
"How'd you get him in trouble?"  
"I-I took the knife from his tray when he wasn't looking and tried to..." I broke off "And he got in trouble for having one and has to work nights now."  
"Well, he's an asshole, did you tell anyone?" I just looked at him with a 'what do you fuckin think?' look. "So what? He's gonna come mess with you later on?" I shrugged.  
"Probably not, he locks me in but only comes sometimes." Juice sat and hung out with me until lights out, he looked like he wanted to hug me before he left but he didn't which I wasn't sure how to feel about it. I looked out the window on my door and saw that he was pacing, he did that a lot, he didn't do so well on his own and I understand that. They only locked doors when certain orderly's were working and tonight the doors weren't locked. I watched Juice for a few minutes and then I turned and climbed into the bed.  
  
I woke up when my door creaked open and I had this feeling in my stomach that something was wrong. I opened my eyes and saw Ronny standing over me.   
"You make friends with the new guy but won't even speak to me F/N I am _hurt_. I've been so nice to you and you treat that like it's nothing!" I jumped when he yelled and then I slipped off the bed to stand. "Where are you going F/N? We're just talking." He put his hand in his pocket and took out a syringe. "I'll only use this if you make me." I nodded and he smiled. "Good girl." He stepped closer to me and I backed away from him I didn't want to make him mad but he was making my skin crawl. "I thought we were going to have fun. C'mon babe it wont be so bad." He gripped my arm and I pulled away and ran for the door. He gripped my hair and I felt the needle plunge into my arm.   
"JUICE Please!" I shrieked and Ronny put his hand over my mouth.  
"Shh, babe it's gonna be fun I promise." I struggled and started to feel numb, I couldn't fight him when he started to drag me to the bed. Juice burst through the door and pulled Ronny away from me, he slammed into the wall and I slid to the floor as my legs gave out.  
"Don't fucking touch her."  
"Go back to your room boy." Ronny snarled out as he leaned against the wall. "This isn't your issue." Juice stood between Ronny and I and I could feel the rage pouring off of him.  
"Scaring and drugging her so you can rape her is everyone's issue asshole. Get out of here. Now." Ronny looked at me and Juice stepped into his line of sight. "Now." I don't know what Ronny saw in Juice's eyes but it made him leave in a hurry. Juice turned and picked me up off the floor. "Hey, hey sweetheart listen to me, stay awake please." I nodded and looked at him. "How much did he give you?" I shrugged and he sighed. "Alright, don't freak out but I'm taking you back to my room where I can keep an eye on you." I nodded and he picked me up. I would have cringed if I could have, I knew that I was heavy and I hated that he was feeling it. "I'm gonna set you down here ok?"   
"Thank you." I slurred and he just looked at me.  
"You scared the hell out of me sweetheart, but I'm glad that you called me for help, I'll keep you safe." He smiled and sat down next to me. He rambled at me for another hour until the drug wore off and then I started to shake. I knew that the meds were numbing me but I didn't realize how much. Juice however did and he wrapped a blanket around me and wrapped his arms around me. "Hey it's ok, nothing happened you're safe. Shh don't cry." It was comforting to have him there and I gripped his shirt and held onto him as I cried quietly. "Its ok, I won't let anything happen to you." I nodded and pulled away from him. He frowned but let me move. "You can stay here, I mean if you want to- I mean, you don't have to be alone." I looked at him, his eyes were soft and his face was worried. He _cared_ about me. I nodded and he smiled." I think I can go get that puzzle, you up for some flower puppies?" I chuckled  
"Sure, lets puppy it up."  
  
After that night Juice and I were close and I actually liked it. He was my friend and it was starting to not seem so weird anymore. I was opening up to him and he was healing in his own way too, I told him that he should talk to Chibs and he said that he would, and asked if I wanted to meet his best friend. I agreed but told him not to get his hopes up I had no faith in myself even if he did. He got me to walk around outside, and made me sit in the main room for movie night, we sat in the back, but he still got me to go. I was starting to count on him and I was scared of that but I also was glad that I was doing something normal for once it felt nice to have a friend. My doctor was happy with me too, she told me that if I 'kept up the good work' I'd be out of here in no time. I was terrified and told Juice about it. He said that I was getting better and that he thought I was going to be able to get through this.   
"What am I gonna do though? I have no one and no place to go Juice." I sighed and leaned my head against the wall.  
"I can help, I'll check out when you get released and you can stay with me, we can keep helping each other." I stared at him.   
"I'm-you- that makes no sense Juice, you can't invite a stranger into your home like that- I- could freak out all over again."  
"Whoa whoa calm down, I think that you probably will freak out a time or two that is fine sweetheart, but I'll help you like you help me. I am gonna tell Chibs today, everything and it's because of you that I have hope."   
"That's different Juice, I still feel hopeless inside and that you shouldn't have wasted anytime on me." I shook my head at him and he stood up.  
"I know that, and that is why you don't get to make this choice alone, I want you to come with me F/N and I think that you want to come too."   
"Of course a part of me does, but the major part of me keeps picturing my dead in your bath tub and you finding me because I freaked out and offed myself!" He flinched and just stared at me.   
"I don't have a bath tub, its a shower only house." I sighed.   
"You really want me to go with you when I get released?" He nodded and I shrugged at him. "I'll think about it." I said as Chibs walked in Juice nodded and stood up to hug him. I knew that I couldn't do it, I just hoped that he would understand.  
"Hey brother, how are you?" Juice smiled  
"All's well, how are things with you." He looked at me and smiled. "Hello darlin' " I smiled and nodded at him. "Are you takin' care of my young friend here?"  
"Uh, I guess so? He's been taking care of me more than anything." He nodded and Juice smiled. "She is helping me and that is why I wanted you to come over here today, can we talk?" Chibs nodded and I stood up to give them some privacy. I stepped out into the hallway and leaned against the wall. About twenty minutes later I felt a hand tap my arm. I jumped and looked into the dark eyes of Chibs.  
"Sorry darlin' didn't mean to startle you. I-er J- Thank you." I looked at him with a 'for what?' look. "You helped him when I only sent him here so that he couldn't hurt himself again. I didn't know what else to do." I nodded.   
"He just needed to be reminded to have faith in the people he loves, he needed to know that you loved him too." I looked up at him and he nodded at me.   
"He thinks a lot of you, 'like the shyest little sister anyone ever had' I think he said." I smiled and nodded.   
"Juice is definitely like a brother, if I had a sibling that cared that is." He chuckled and Juice peeked his head out.   
"Can I talk to you?" He looked at me and I nodded and followed him inside. "So, Chibs thinks that I can get out of here in a week, I want you to come with me." I just looked at him.   
"Look-"  
"No. We just talked about this F/N nothing changed."   
"A lot changed! Like that it could actually happen!" Chibs laughed and I looked over at him.  
"Don't be like that darlin', It's gonna be fine." Chibs said.   
"How do you know?" I whispered and walked out the door and over to my room, I closed the door behind me and crawled into my bed. I don't think I can do this. I think I should stay here forever, I'll be better here. I nodded to myself I'll just tell Juice that I'm not coming with him. Simple.  
  
It wasn't that simple, Juice made me come with him and he agreed that if I wanted to I could come back anytime. I was packing and filling out the paperwork while Juice sat there rambling at me. He had such faith in me and I don't know where he gets it since I don't deserve it.


	3. Chapter 3

Living with Juice for the last month was a very different experience, club members coming and going, I met like 8 really intense guys, and the mighty Gemma Teller Morrow, She is fierce and a part of me is a little bit in love with her but mostly I try to think of a polite way to not hang out with her when Juice makes me go with him to the club house. She told me that she didn't know what I had done but Chibs loved me already so she did too. Chibs was around everyday and I just assumed that it was to see how Juice was recovering, until he came around to check on me when Juice was out with Happy.   
There was a knock on the door and I felt that familiar twinge of fear but went to see if it was someone for Juice. I sighed and opened the door "Hey Chibs, Juice is out with Happy right now so he can't come out to play." I gave a small smile and he chuckled.   
"Uh I actually came by to see you." I tilted my head and motioned him inside. Oh God, he was gonna kick me out for Juice, this was i,t he was mad that I flaked on going out last week. I felt my breath start to get tight and Chibs reached out to touch my shoulder. "It's nothing bad sweetheart calm down." He commanded softly and I nodded at him. "I was wondering if you would want to spend some time with me today? I have some free time and thought of going out to walk around the lake."   
"Isn't the lake freezing right now?" He smiled  
"To the people of California maybe, To the Scottish however it is lovely, but I shan't be swimmin' I just want to get some fresh air and there won't be anyone there to bother me."  
"If I go with you I will bother you though." I cursed myself and felt my face heat up. "I- I mean that sounds lovely if you're sure that I won't bug you." He laughed and shook his head.  
"I invited you remember? If anyone can bother me its you." I nodded  
"When would you like to leave?" He grinned  
"If you aren't doing anything right now I thought that we could go."   
"Yeah let me go change really fast." _What am I doing?!_ I mentally yelled at myself for the few minutes it took me to put on jeans, boots, and a jacket. I figured we would be riding his bike so I put a brush in my bag for the helmet hair, he was surprised when I told him how much I liked riding one day a couple weeks ago. I grabbed my beanie just in case and tried not to hyperventilate as I walked down the hall. This was nuts I'm not this person who makes plans and just goes! This was going to be a disaster and Chibs was gonna hate me. I almost walked into him as he came out of the kitchen with a glass of water.   
"You look nice, you ready?" I nodded and looked at the floor. I wasn't used to anyone but Juice being nice to me and even then that was a stretch. "Hey." I looked up when he tapped my chin softly. "This is gonna be fun, I promise."   
"I know, I'm just-" I shrugged and he nodded and took my hand to lead me outside. His hand felt different then Juices, feeling my hand in his made me feel different. His hand was big and warm, It engulfed mine and I found that it made me feel better, he let go once we got to his bike and handed me his second helmet. I liked the way he adjusted it and made sure that it was tight enough, he cared and wanted me to be safe. We made it to the lake relatively quick but I knew that it had been a while by the way my hips felt. he was right, there was practically no one here, a few people but nothing that I couldn't handle. I paused, I _could handle_ people, wow that was a new thought. I smiled and took off my helmet. "Thanks for inviting me, I know that I'm not everyone's favorite person." He frowned softly but shook his head  
"F/N I wanted you to come with me, I wanted to spend time with you today." I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and played with my hair. He took my hand again after a minute and tugged me gently towards the water. When he interlaced his fingers with mine, my heart skipped a beat and I looked up at him, He was looking at the water and smiling to himself. I put my other hand in my jacket pocket and watched the ducks floating on the glassy surface, I felt small here, like it was a place that no one could find me and I really liked it. "So, Juice told me to ask you your story since you never talk about it with him." I frowned.  
"He never asked me for it, he just told me his. My story isn't that great." I shrugged. "What is your story?" He smiled and shook his head.   
"I asked you first." I sighed and nodded.   
"Uh, alright, I've always been a bit of an anxious person, never liked crowds, people and new people especially made me feel really freaked out, any new situation or event and I just had a hard time. I noticed it really badly around the time I started high school, I started stuttering and having panic attacks, not to mention I've always been a bit larger then most girls and people made fun of me for it, which only made it worse. I feared being judged, looked at, humiliated, and I had had enough of being mocked and teased so I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 17." I felt him tense and I just kept going. "My disease made me feel like I was the most awful person on the planet and I believed it because I saw what people thought of me, even if I made up hypothetical situations that could happen I believed in those too. I graduated a year early and stopped going out because I didn't have to, that made it even worse because I completely isolated myself and then I got depressed and became convinced that I was the freak that everyone thought I was. It got so bad that I couldn't convince myself to leave the house, I stopped letting people inside, and I couldn't even answer the phone because it made me that uncomfortable. I tried to kill myself again when I was 19 and my neighbor looked in the window to see me lying there, he called 911 and I was committed to a mental facility until my sister came to get me a week later. She had no idea that I struggled like I had been since she lives abroad and we were never close." I paused and he murmured  
"You were alone? Where were your parents?"   
"My mother killed herself after I was born, about a week after actually and my father gave us up for adoption, he never wanted kids much less to be a single father." He frowned and shook his head.   
"What happened after your sister came to get you?" I sighed.  
"She wanted me to go home with her but I refused and she let me go back home and I tried to get medication that helped me, and they helped for a while until it got to be too much again. I lasted until about a year ago before I was at my limit and I called my sister to tell her that I loved her for the last time, she knew something was wrong and called the police who then took me to the facility where you took Juice. I tried three times to kill myself there but I guess I'm meant to suffer through this and I hate it." He wrapped his arm around me and looked at me.   
"You're not alone now and I will help you as much as I can, but I _need_ you to promise me something." He sounded so serious and looked so determined that I nodded. "You have to tell me when you feel like that, you can't try to kill yourself again please." I just looked at him and he gave me small nudge.  
"Uh I-I promise, I'll let you know."   
"No matter what time or day F/N I don't care, i'm here and so is Juice." I nodded and he looked a little more relieved.   
"I hate being weak Chibs, I want to be able to live life like everyone else and I can't so it makes me mad, sad and just over it. I get so _goddamn sick_ of feeling like I'm a freak that I could just freak out. The panic attacks alone are enough to make anyone crazy."   
"What are the symptoms?" He asked with genuine curiosity   
"Uh sweating, trembling, feeling like you can't catch your breath and you're just fucking suffocating, nausea, dizziness, flushing, your heart just starts feeling like it's going to pound out of your chest and it hurts from beating so hard, feeling that danger is nearby, feeling so afraid that you think you are going to die or that something is going to hurt you so you get the overwhelming urge to just escape, to run all at once and it just is enough to drive me mad sometimes." He stopped and looked at me.   
"Jesus Christ." I noticed that we had lapped the lake a few times and my legs were getting tired so I walked over to a tree and climbed up to sit on a lower branch. He stood under me and smiled. "I didn't know that you were part spider monkey." I smiled and patter the spot next to me. He threw back his head and laughed. "No fuckin' way darlin' that wont be happening." I frowned and climbed down to sit underneath the tree and patted the spot next to me again. He nodded and sat close to me.   
"Sorry I rambled at you, I felt like Juice for a minute there." He looked confused. "H-He doesn't ramble at you guys?" He shook his head and I laughed.   
"I wanted to know, I want to be able to help you and for that I need to know what I'm up against. How are you feeling right now?" I smiled  
"I feel fine, a little on edge since its new here but I feel fine really." He nodded and we started talking about other things, like his daughter and ex wife, the club, how he liked really old movies and things that reminded him of home. I loved hearing him talk about Scotland and Ireland, I told him that I wanted to go there someday and he grinned and nodded at me  
"We can do that. It'd be really great." It was starting to get dark when Chibs finally asked if I wanted to go home. "Think we should head back?" I shrugged   
"We could live in this tree, that'd be cool!" I teased and he gave me a teasing look.   
"I didn't think to bring my hammock darlin' maybe next time." I nodded and stood up, wiping the dirt off my butt. I reached out to help Chibs up and he pulled me closer to him after he got up. "Maybe we could come back sometime soon?" I nodded and looked up at him, he was taller then my 5'5 but not intimidatingly so, his eyes were always kind when he looked at me and I really liked it when he smiled. He leaned closer to me and kissed my cheek. I froze for a second before I smiled and gave him a playful nudge. We walked back to his bike and headed back home, I was feeling really relaxed and happy, it felt nice. Strange for sure, but nice and I knew that Chibs and I would be close as well. Juice was sitting outside smoking a joint when we pulled up.   
"You stole my best friend for the whole day and didn't tell me!" he said in mock outrage.   
"I'm sorry." Chibs and I said in unison and Juice laughed.   
"I forgive you, did you have fun?" I nodded and Chibs smiled at him. "There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry." I shook my head and he gave me a look. "Did you eat today?" I gave him a 'bite me' look and Chibs laughed.   
"I think that she'll eat when she's hungry Juicy, don't force the girl." I smiled at him and Juice scowled.   
"Fine, I'm going to eat though, be nice to each other." He grumbled as he went inside. I turned and sat on the porch.   
"Thanks for today, It was a lot of fun." He sat next to me  
"I enjoyed it, I liked havin' you with me." I nodded and he pulled me closer to him. "Are you busy tomorrow night?"   
"Unless Juice has plans for us I don't think so, why?"   
"I wondered if you'd want to watch a movie here or something?" I smiled and nodded. I could do a movie at home with him that would be fun.   
"Sure, I'll cook something for dinner." He nodded, kissed my cheek and stood up.   
"I'll see you tomorrow round 6 then. Sleep well darlin'." He walked to his bike and left. I went inside and sat with Juice for a while before I went to shower and get ready for bed. I was really hoping that things would keep going so great, I was loving the almost normal vibe my life had these last few weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

***** **Six Months Later** *****  
  
Today had started out like any other day, I got out of bed, made Juice and Chibs some breakfast, and got ready to head to the club house to help Gemma with some filing. I was fine, Chibs and I were great, we've been together for a few months now, Juice was doing great and I really was getting a lot better at leaving the house. Chibs made me feel different about myself and Juice was a big help as well. I could even go out by myself on good days but that wasn't that often. I felt like a burden sometimes because I couldn't do things alone yet, I knew that no one else felt that way but it was just me. I went to get dressed and old feelings started to creep up on me. _Why do I bother? What's the point when I'm not even good for anything? I should just go back to bed and stay there. I never should have left the facility since all I do is hold Juice and Chibs back. They deserve to live normal lives._ Like a wave it just crashed down on me and I started to have a panic attack. I hadn't had one in at least two months but I should have known that I couldn't escape it for long. I sat in the bathroom on the floor and rocked myself trying to calm down, Chibs would freak out if he came in and saw me like this. I must have lost track of time because Chibs came looking for me.  
"F/N? Are you alright in there sweetheart?" I nodded and then remembered he couldn't see me.   
"Yeah... I-I'll be right out." I said and prayed that he would go away. He didn't I don't know what he heard in my tone but he pushed the door open and looked at me.   
"Hey darlin' shh, what happened?" I shrugged and he bent down to pick me up. "It's alright, c'mon lets get you off the floor alright?"   
"You should go." I muttered and tried to push away from him. I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes but I needed him to leave, he deserved better.   
Really, you have stuff to do." He scoffed.   
"I'm not leavin' you like this, it won't happen so just forget that thought." I sighed.   
"I'm always gonna be 'like this' you can't be around forever and I wouldn't want you to be." He shook his head at me.   
"You don't get it do you?" I felt anger bubble up.  
"Why won't you just leave me alone Chibs? I don't need you here trying to help me because nothing ever does! You have a life, now go fucking live it." I got _needed_ him. I needed him to understand and I needed to understand myself that that wasn't fair of me.   
"Don't you ever stop? You've been pushing me away and doubting yourself since I met you and guess fucking what? I'm still here F/N! I'm not gonna fuckin' leave and I'm not gonna abandon you. I love you and whether you like it or not I'm here to stay. So let me help you." I looked up at him.   
"I thought that I was gonna be ok, I really did, and then today I lost it again. I don't want to be this person and I don't want to drag you down with me. I'm scared that I'll never be ok again. Why am I like this?" I cried and he pulled me onto his lap.  
"I don't know darlin' but I know that you were doing so great, and I'm proud of you. Yes today is a bad day, but that doesn't mean that all you're trying was for not. Tomorrow you'll be alright again and then we can keep going. Just because you had a bad minute doesn't mean that it is all going to be bad again. You know that, deep down, you know that you can over some today if you stop being scared." He kissed my head and I nodded.  
"I'm scared that I'm gonna freak out and end up back in that facility again Chibs, I still feel like I need to be there even though I've come so far." He nodded   
"I'm not gonna let you go back there, I'm gonna help you. But you have to stop pushing me away baby, and you _need_ to see that you are gonna have bad days, accept that and then tomorrow will always be better."   
"I love you too ya know. I just feel like you should be with someone better than me." He pulled back and gave me a look.   
"I'm with you because of this, because you helped my friend become himself again and because you are strong enough to keep fighting. Look at you right now, you were elbow deep in a panic attack and now your not, you're sitting with me and working through a problem. I fell lucky to know someone as strong as you darlin'. You wanted to die and yet you still stand here in front of me."   
"It's not enough Chibs, I'm still a mess." I knew that he was right, that even if I was fine for a year or ten years, one day I would have a bad day, but maybe that was alright as long as I got up and brushed it off the next day. Having a moment of weakness doesn't make a person weak, it just makes them human and maybe that wasn't a bad thing at all. I had him to help me when I needed it and that is more than I have ever had before.   
"So what, we are all a mess on some way F/N. You keep fighting each day and that is a miracle in itself. You're you love and that's enough."


End file.
